, , , , ,


Day Four: What have you lost this year? What are you grieving?

This gave me pause. When I signed up for Reverb, my intention was not to focus so much on cancer or how it has directly affected our family; but, looking at this year in comparison to other years, it’s become part of our story.

I am grieving our old selves.

Dave and I have built a modest life. We have good kids, decent jobs and a home. Trouble always seemed to fall outside of our periphery; and, we had the luxury of being able to worry about friends or family.

It was comforting to be able to come home to each other and think, “Those poor bastards. We’ll help however we can.” We’d mean it…anything that we could do, we would do gladly. We just had the benefit of closing our eyes to a peaceful night’s sleep.

Even after Dave was diagnosed, we were told that it was a non-aggressive cancer. We went into that first procedure naively thinking that we’d be one and done.

It’s CANCER, for Pete’s sake.

Why in the world we would get off so easily seems laughable now. What makes us so special?

And so, I grieve.

I miss a time when we didn’t feel so mortal; when things like disability insurance and survival rates weren’t part of our particular conversation. I miss a time when this time of year would be spent convincing our kids that Santa couldn’t possible bring everything on their lists, and then making sure that everything was under the tree.

I miss the us that we used to be.



I’m participating in Kat McNally’s REVERB13. Won’t you join us as we take time in December to slow down and look inside? Click the image above to go to her site, I Saw You Dancing.